two weeks

today kicks off the final two weeks before i have surgery, a double mastectomy. i’m so, so ready, which feels strange to say about having major surgery. i’m sure the nerves will kick in as the day approaches, but right now, i can’t get rid of my boobs fast enough. i know some folks get emotional about losing their breasts, but i’m just not at this point. they were fine in their heyday, and they (minimally) served their purpose as milk machines. truthfully, though, they’ve seen better days, as my plastic surgeon (very tactfully) confirmed during our zoom virtual consultation. anyway, i don’t feel attached to them as a signifier of my femininity or anything else really. i guess we’ll see how i feel in two weeks.

for now, i’m taking an odd pleasure in receiving packages with all of my post-surgery supplies. (rinse-less bath wipes! dry shampoo! a bed wedge and desk!) i’m also doing my best to stick with a strengthening plan my amazing friend and personal trainer has developed to help me get my core and legs ready to do most of the work for the next few months, while my upper body heals. planning and preparing help me cope, so that’s all gone into hyperdrive, clearly.

the girls are so far unfazed by the prospect of my surgery. T’s concerns have mostly revolved around whether my new boobs would be made of metal and having a sleepover with my parents while i’m in the hospital. S is even less curious about it all (but is looking forward to the sleepover as well!).

whether all of this equanimity will last or not, i can’t say, but considering everything going on at the moment, i am grateful to have what i can get.